Beware Leprechauns… your pot of gold is not safe when the Suburban O’Wundermutt polices the Cul-de-sac McJungle!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
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Patience
Patience is a gift the Suburban Wundermutt has not received. Daily morning walks are the extreme test for our canine crusader. Local leash laws require he be tethered to his master, in this instance the lady of the house who prefers a harness for maximum control. To run unimpeded beyond the confines of the Cul-de-sac Jungle, like his coyote cousins (and they are near), is his ultimate wish. But the laws serve their purpose and he reluctantly waits for the last adjustments to be made. Feel lucky wayward deer and pesky squirrels… an irrepressible rage is being tepidly controlled by a simple clip and the arm strength of a lady low on caffeine!
Valentine’s Day indifference
The Suburban Wundermutt is not particularly enamored with Valentine’s Day. He is not lost on the sentiment as dogs give unconditional love and it’s next to impossible to find someone who can out-love them. But the practical purpose of the day just doesn’t work.
Having been purposely ill-equipped years ago (not of his own choosing) to “feel the love,” as it were, he doesn’t identify with the physical closeness of the season. Oh sure, he’s humped a few legs on occasion but it’s more of a going through the motions type of thing. And the blank look he gives is akin to the empty stare on the face of a cat after it bolts across a room at 70 miles per hour for no apparent reason.
Then, of course, there’s the candy and specifically chocolate… AKA Canine Kryptonite. What a treat. What a torturous and tempting treat… one which he will fight to turn down. Curse you Hershey, Nestle, Ghirardelli, and the like. You’ve got a great ballgame going here and it’s a ruthless conspiracy!
Instead, he will unleash himself (get it?) from the decorative trappings of the February 14th love-fest and look ahead to St. Patrick’s Day which will test his patience to wait a whole month. Corned beef and cabbage, green Beggin’ Strips (do they have those?) and the fellowship and merriment that comes with the chance to blow the froth off a couple. Plus, there are very few Leprechauns who can outrun him!
Politics and Table scraps don’t mix
With the 2017 Presidential inauguration complete, the Suburban Wundermutt would like to remind you that he is not impressed with politicians and their plight. Not because of the constant bickering we see between Democrats and Republicans — the Suburban Wundermutt endures that same no holds barred carnage every day in the Cul-De-Sac Jungle. No… it’s because of the food.
State dinners of Red Snapper Livornese, Falafel with cucumber sauce, and Spinach Gnocchi are quite a departure when your tastes are centered on the Beggin’ Strip, Denta-stick, and Busy Bone appetizers followed by a main course of Purina One Special Blend Turkey and Venison formula.
And what about the dinner conversation with those inside the beltway? The only bill the Suburban Wundermutt wants passed is a twenty spot to the Maitre D’ to get a table closer to the parade of scraps that make their way from barely touched plates back to the kitchen.
And as for diplomacy?… well the best he can deliver is the solemn promise not to overtly lick himself in front of the Duchess of Cambridge during the dessert course. And as his official portrait here shows, he is ready to place his left paw on the Lincoln family bible and raise his right to take that oath.
Rhonda Rousey couldn’t have fared worse
Sometimes, when getting a new chew toy, the Suburban Wundermutt simply goes off the rails. The carnage can be hard to stomach. Traditionally there are four stages to this inexplicable display:
Attack! – No thought at all here… like Piranhas on a Carp he strikes indiscriminately.
Pause – A quick glance around the kill zone and a serious stare are all that are needed to fend off a would be interloper. Then the assault continues.
Satisfaction – knowing he has the prize all to himself, the Suburban Wundermutt smiles with contentment. Life is good!
Exhaustion – This ain’t no long distance race. When engaged in a preferred activity, the Suburban Wundermutt only has one gear: Overdrive! The landing from such a high octane flight is hard and sudden.
And as quickly as it began, the incident is over. Like Rhonda Rousey in her last UFC fight, the chew toy never stood a chance… but it was able to last slightly longer than 48 seconds. Next time the Suburban Wundermutt will look to trim that down.
“Nothing to see here folks, let’s move it along.”
Holiday Hangover
The holidays are officially over and the Suburban Wundermutt is happier than most. Lots of travel, family visits, overeating, not to mention Christmas prep and clean up have taken a heavy toll on our canine compadre. As he becomes firmly entrenched in 2017 he yearns for the simpler times by the fire, sipping a warm cider and listening to soft jazz to lull him into that old familiar slumber. 18 hours of sleep a day during the holidays just wasn’t enough. But, come next week, he’ll be rested and ready for the onslaught of the brutal Carolina winters where the overnight cold can bring bone chilling temperatures in his lair to as low as the upper 60s… perish the thought! To quote Yukon Corneleous “It isn’t a fit night out for man nor beast.” Here’s to surviving the winter of 2017!
A wile creature
The suburban Wundermutt is a wile creature. Here he guards his captured prey, an outdoor rubber football, against any advances from would be thieves like neighborhood children or the smaller but equally opportunistic Shih Tzu next door. These 24-36 hour bursts of “winter” can be unforgiving in the suburban wilderness. But the Wundermutt gets by… one day at a time.
The Suburban Wundermutt 